Thoughts - unwelcome or not

I still have trouble looking after myself and hubbie, the responsibility for two small lives totally dependant on me is terrifying me!!!!!

What happens if something goes wrong and I'm not there for them? What happens if something goes wrong and I am there for them, but I can't do anything? I'm their mother, I should be able to protect them from anything and everything, I don't want to let them down in anyway. I don't want to let anyone down.

Apparently all this worrying is normal, but it doesn't feel normal.

Not sure what's wrong just feeling very low and wanting to hide from everything almost.

Spent a lot of my day in work trying not to cry, not sure what made me feel that way.

Work is as annoying and as stressful as usual but it's not making me feeling any worse than it normally does. Hubbie and I haven't fallen out so it's not that getting to me.

I spent a lot of time like this a while back and I don't want to be like that again but though I'm heading that way again all depressy and down I don't know how to stop it.

My sleep is a bit disturbed, am sleeping really heavily and am having trouble waking up in the morning, during the day and in the evening I'm getting my curly up moments as I call them, when I just want to curl up and doze for half an hour cause I get so sleepy and feel so drained. I'm a bit grumpy getting for no reason I've found myself snapping at hubbie for nothing. I'm not wanting to go anywhere I'm actually finding excuses not to go anywhere unless absolutely necessary.

Feel like I'm just falling apart slowly and I can see it all happening infront of me but I can't seem to do anything about it, I can't reach out and stop the pieces falling and put them back into place.

Hopefully I'll shake myself out of whatever slump I've got myself into, I have to cause I'll make myself feel worse if I don't.

Looking into fostering this morning. Not sure what put the idea in my head.

Would love to be able to do it but am not sure I'm emotionally strong enough.

We have a spare bedroom, it's not used for anything other than storing stuff and mummy is going to separate the bunk beds my sis and me used to sleep in and give us one of the beds so we'll have a spare bed also. We live in a quiet street close to some schools and a high school. We both have cars. Neither of us have any convictions relating to children which would obviously be a no-no. We have pretty good health between us (if you don't count my high blood pressure, but it's getting under control). We don't have any kids and both hold down decent enough jobs, I've an understanding boss if time is needed off for any reason.

Haven't said to hubbie about it but I don't see him putting up any objections to be honest he would be quite open to it, he'd be more concerned about how I felt about it.

Just need the courage to do something about it now. We have a good family surrounding us with plenty of support available from them all, maybe once I talk to hubbie about it we should talk to them 1st or should we be talking to the cats as their daily lives will be more disrupted than ours would!

I'm 26 hubbie is 35 do we do something about it now or wait until we've a child of our own and are a bit more 'responsible' before we take on someone elses child?

Today has been a bad day so far.

CD, the girl who works in the other company (and happens to be the Big Boss' daughter) is away on her hols for a week.

I've heard nothing but complaints about stuff she was asked to do, and didn't do before she went.

Her computer decided to die this morning, and she hasn't backed up her sage accounts for a couple of months. Her computer holds the company's accounts since they went computerised and all those months would've gotten lost because she wasn't doing something which is part of her damn job.

Thankfully we got the computer on, but it's still dying so we haven't turned it off incase it won't turn on again. I had to connect my external hard drive and copy everything over to it so we wouldn't lose everything. Bit of a nightmare that was!

A new computer is needed. Just need to let Big Boss know that I need to get her a new sage package and that means more money on top of buying a new computer for her. Not looking forward to that.

The number of things she hasn't done is getting ridiculous, everytime I'm talking to someone in here, the complaints get worse and I'm starting to join in; am trying not too, but I can't help it. I'm getting landed with the stuff she hasn't done on top of everything I need to do myself.

That was the 1st problem today, the 2nd is that my zip has broken on my trousers. The zip is still going up and down, but the pully bit has broken.

Wonder what the 3rd problem will be seeing as they always come in 3s.

Up to parents-in-law for lunch this afternoon. Daddy-in-law had the same meal as I did, hubbie got something completely different as he doesn't eat normally like the rest of us does.

The meat smelt funny and tasted a tad bit funny as well.

Who was she trying to poison, daddy-in-law or me?!?!

Needless to say I didn't eat much of the meat and just stuck to eating the mash and veg.

Would love to know how she cooks what she does and if there was anyway we could suggest how to do things without upsetting her.

At least we were able to tell what kind of meat we were eating this afternoon for a change!

Looking round Fitness First last night hubbie and I were the fattest people there, all the rest of the people were skinny and muscley.

Doesn't quite build up any confidence going into somewhere and seeing that.

Hubbie tried to reassure me saying that the people there weren't always as skinny as they are now, they once helf a lot of weight or they wouldn't be here, but it didn't really help.

I'm used to being the biggest one in a room, I'm the biggest in my family, I'm the biggest in my in-laws so I should be used to being the odd one out, but being surround by those people last night made me want to go and hide somewhere preferably with a bottle of coke and a huge bar of chocolate.

If I let this get to me then I'll never go and all my good intentions and hopes will be for nothing, so will try and keep my head down and ignore those people round me but I'm going to find it hard, really hard, just hope I've enough confidence and self-belief left in me to cope with it all.

I'm the kind of person who'll worry over everything, I'll even worry over the fact that I've nothing to worry about. I bottle everything up inside and don't tell anyone when I'm annoyed, upset, or stressed about something, I just keep quiet. Maybe that's why I have so many grey hairs at 26.

Hubbie wishes I would talk more about how I'm feeling, so do I but I can't, I'm just not built that way.

My main blog didn't feel like the right place to spill all my thoughts in, I like keeping it for everyday things that happen and didn't want to darken it or bring it down with my thoughts, though hopefully not all my thoughts are bad ones, I can just as easily worry about happy things as I can bad things.

Maybe this will be therapeutic. Maybe.

Maybe I'll just end up moaning about my mother-in-law; she is the main cause of my stress and frustration. Well better moaning about her here than to hubbie, he's hard to put up with when you moan about his mother!